The breast pump

My breast pump speaks to me. At first I thought it was the percocet, but I haven't taken any for at least 3 weeks and the breast pump continues to speak to me. Usually it offers words of encouragement while I'm pumping (which is appreciated), sometimes it just mumbles, and other times it speaks french.

More inappropriate comments from randoms

5 days after Louisa was born, we went to the pediatrician for a check up. Danny was carrying Louisa in her car seat and I waddled in after them. Keep in mind I'm still HUGE (as discussed earlier....and my butt is still itching). Oh yes, and Louisa is small, as most newborn babies are. There was a woman sitting next to us in the waiting room with a child who looked to be about 8 months old. As we walked past her, she looked at me and said, "Oh, you're going to have two close together!"

Me: "Eh?"

Lady: "Two babies...that one is pretty young."

Me: "She's 5 days old."

(silence - my eyes glow yellow - flames shoot from my nostrils)

I realize that people are inherently dumb, but this was the last place I expected to encounter such brazen and unabashed stupidity. This lady had a baby too! She was still a little chubby, so I'm guessing she looked a bit pregnant after her baby was born as well. Maybe she honest-to-goodness thought that there was still a baby in my belly that was just incubating a bit longer. I don't know. As Ron White says, "You can't fix stupid."

....continued

Where was I? Fentanyl, c-section, Louisa screams.... ah yes. So Louisa Grace Bartlett was born on August 17th at 7:50 pm and weighed 7lbs 7oz and was 18.5 in long. I don't remember a whole lot about what happened after I heard Louisa scream for the first time. I think I let myself relax after that. The thing I do remember is the horrible pain I was feeling in.... my shoulder???? Yes, after 20 hours of labor and finally a c-section, the only pain I'm feeling is in my shoulder. Dang phrenic nerve! Okay, I probably shouldn't slander the phrenic nerve since it's pretty important for, oh, breathing, and thus, life, but seriously....PAIN! I asked the nurse anesthetist for something to ease the pain, after all, this was the guy administering the fentanyl. And what did he give me? A hot pack. Thanks dude.

At this point, Dr. S is working on my uterus and tells Danny that he should get a picture. Awesome!!! No, seriously, I think it's AWESOME that I have a picture of my uterus and even more awesome that Danny was cool with taking a picture of his wife's innards. Then Dr. S closes me up using some new staple gun that they had in the OR. I probably would have done a running subcuticular, but that would have taken forever (especially if it was me doing it - picture a little old man, hunched over, painstakingly painting a model car under a magnifying glass - this is me suturing - but my incisions are pretty, by golly!).

The next thing I remember is being in the little recovery room, shaking because of the drugs. Then they brought Louisa in to me and I think I cried a little. Then my dad gets all teary as he takes out a little blue box from Tiffany's and hands it to.....my mom???? For real? Where's my box from Tiffany's? I did all the work and gave him his first grandchild! Cotton-pickin'! It's cool though, I'm over it. And my mom got a lovely "Grandma" charm for her charm bracelet. After that lots of family and friends came in to see us and hold Louisa. Louisa was bright eyed and was checking everybody out.

Then they wheeled me to my room, which was a double room, so Danny got his own bed to sleep in. The next few days were kind of a blur. Lots of family and friends visiting. I got to order my breakfast, lunch and dinner from a handy-dandy menu on the TV. Emily brought me an orange cream slush! I was a bad patient and didn't really get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. The nurse made fun of me because I put my TED hose on backwards. I developed the itchiest, most awful rash EVER on my tush. This may have been the most horrifying part of the whole experience. And not only did my tush have a rash on it, but my tush was HUGE, so there was lots of tush to itch. And the rest of me was huge too. Thank you IV fluids. I thought surely I'd loose a couple of pounds, you know, having a baby and all, but I was fatter leaving the hospital than when I came in. Feet and ankles were unrecognizable. Demoralizing!

Then we came home. Loading Louisa up in the car and driving on THE STREET with OTHER CARS was FRIGHTENING! But we made it home in one piece and settled in quite nicely. The dogs were very excited to finally meet their little sister. I was able to wean myself from the percocet pretty quickly, mostly because I wanted to have extra to sell on the street (call me if your interested - I may have some xanax too - I kid, I kid).

As soon as Louisa was born, Danny turned into Super-Dad. He's been changing diapers, doing house work, charting Louisa's feedings, poopy diapers and wet diapers, assembling breast pumps and loving on his girls....ah, we are blessed! He also really enjoys brushing Louisa's hair, which is the most adorable thing ever.

Welp, I think that covers most of the highlights from the birthing extravaganza. I have a few stories about my nurses, but I'll save those for later. And I have another "inappropriate comment" story, but I'll get to that later as well.

Ah, it has been too long. There are a ton of things that I have been meaning to do for the past 3 weeks (including writing thank you notes - so if you gave us something and have not been properly thanked....I'm working on it). It's amazing how the maintenance of a newborn can take up nearly every minute of the day (and night). I decided that it is high time I updated the old blog though.

So....in recent weeks, I had a baby.

We checked into SMMC on a Sunday night and shortly after they placed the cervidil. Okay - cervidil worked a little too well and I started having contractions. They told me I might have some cramping, but Lord Almighty!!! Then Louisa had a prolonged heart rate deceleration and all of a sudden 4 nurses came busting in our room, made me get on my hands and knees (to relieve any pressure that might be on the cord) and shot me up with some terbutaline. I didn't even have time to freak out about the needle. This is when I lost all inhibition and stopped stessing about Danny seeing me in less than glamourous positions.

After that, they removed the cervidil and Louisa's HR came back up and looked good. Then they started me on low dose Pit to finish dilating my cervix. Things quieted down quickly, but I had a feeling that Louisa would not be coming out the old fashioned way. The rest of the night was uneventful and in the morning they turned up the Pit and I started having contractions again. Lord Almighty!!! Call anesthesia STAT!!! [Side note: what I thought was pain from Louisa stretching out during the last 2 months of my pregnancy turned out to be Braxton Hicks contractions - glad I didn't know I was having contractions during my 9 hour board exam.]

I requested some Stadol before I asked for the epidural. This was a good idea and I would highly recommend it if you're as freaked out as I am around needles. What? Doctors have to use needles? Ahem.... So the Stadol put me into a quasi-drunken state and I was able to be a big girl and get my epidural. Hardly felt it. When the catheter was placed, it somehow ended up toward the left of my spinal cord, so I had to lay on my right side to make sure that my right pelvis/leg got the drugs. Regardless of this small snafu, I am completely in love with fentanyl and the doctors/nurses who give it...legally, of course.

Where was I....stadol....fentanyl....oh yes. So I got the epidural and things progressed nicely. I was completely effaced and I dilated to 9.5 really quickly with just a lip of cervix remaining. Danny, my parents, Grandma French Fry, Carmen, Rachel and Julie were all in the room and we started making bets about what time Louisa would be born, length, weight, etc. Most of the guesses called for her to be born between 3:30 and 4:45. Har har har.

We kicked everyone out of the room and I started pushing around 3:00. After about 30 minutes of pushing we hadn't made any progress and Louisa's head was in an unfavorable position. I pushed for a while longer to no avail. I always envisioned myself pushing 2-3 times and popping out a baby. I also always thought about how much it would suck to be in labor and pushing all day, only to end up having a c-section. Har har har. Okay, so after a while it was determined that I needed a break (Danny said I turned purple every time I pushed). They had me lay on my left side to try to get her head to turn. Okay, too much fentanyl on the left, NOT ENOUGH ON THE RIGHT!!! 30 minute break - Danny feeding me ice chips - me day dreaming about an orange cream slush from Sonic. Dr. S rechecks Louisa's head position. No big change. Dr. S reaches in and manages to turn her head to a more favorable position. Sweet! Resume the pushing! After pushing for another hour or so Louisa started having late decels (this is a bad sign for baby). And she still wasn't moving any closer to the outside world. I was so relieved when Dr. S said I would need a c-section. They wheeled me into the OR and gave me more fentanyl! Delicious! They took Danny somewhere and got him all dressed up in a white spacesuit. He looked pretty hot in it, but this was neither the time nor place for romance.

Dr. S scrubs in, we make small talk, then she says, "can you feel this?" Although I couldn't feel it, I knew what she was doing and it made me squirm....well, not really since I couldn't move my body, but if my motor neurons weren't comatose, I would have squirmed! What she was doing, I'd seen far too many times before (and squirmed every time)! She had a pair of sharp clampy tweezery things and was pinching and jerking around the skin on my abdomen. (Squirming)

To be continued (Louisa awakens).......

Nevermind....Danny's on top of it!

So, surgery ensues, then I hear a pinch of panic in Dr. S's voice. I think Louisa was further into the birth canal than she had expected and she had to work to get her out. Dr. S gets her out rather quickly....no crying. Nurses take Louisa....no crying. Dr. S orders nurses to get oxygen on Louisa right away....no crying. Mom is starting to panic. Finally CRYING!

To be continued....for real this time....baby girl needs her mommy!