A Mother's Day Apology

I have a confession to make.  I have been judgemental, critical, mean and downright snarky to my mother.  It started several years ago and involved her affinity for granny panties.  I took every opportunity to make fun of her and her ugly, beige, "but-I-can-tuck-my-turtleneck-into-them" undies.  I thought I was superior because I wore cute little Victoria's Secret underwear.  Who cared if you could see my butt cheeks when I bent over?

All of this changed nine months ago when we brought Louisa home from the hospital.  As you may recall, I left the hospital fatter than when I was admitted.  The universe is cruel.  And the underwear that fit me while nine months pregnant were now too tight.  So I sent my mother out to buy me the "biggest, ugliest underwear you can find."  Because, clearly, she knew where to find them.  She didn't fail me. 

Initially I thought, "okay...I'll just wear these until I can fit back into my cute underwear."

After a couple of weeks, I lost my water weight and could legitimately fit back into my old, cute undies.  But I didn't want to!  I tried to wear them, but they just weren't the same.  The hot air balloon-sized Hanes in my underwear drawer were far too enticing.  So soft!  So comfortable!  So difficult to tell the front from the back!  They go so far down that you never have to pick a wedgie.  And they rise so far up your back that you don't have to worry about your tush hanging out.  In fact, I've noticed when I wear them that my shirt can creep up over my waist line, but those underwear go so far up my belly that it just looks like a tank top under my shirt.  No joke!

So, I have seen the light and have become an ugly underwear wearer like my mother.  And I sincerely regret all the trouble that I have given her over the past 29 years. 

I'm so sorry, Mom.  I'm sorry for laughing at you in dressing rooms.  I'm sorry snickering when I would walk past your laundry basket.  I'm sorry for trying to use your underwear as a Barbie parachute.  Thank you for being patient with me when I didn't understand.  Thank you for never giving up on me.

I love you!  Happy Mother's Day!

(You can send words of support/sympathy/your-wife-is-nuts to Danny @ dvb16@yahoo.com)